I didn't shave. On purpose
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
