Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
