You made me cry and you don't even care
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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