he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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