I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
