I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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