He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
