Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
