you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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