I never want to see another naked old woman again.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
