Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
