From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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