im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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