I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
