After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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