k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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