The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize