Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
