Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Damn victory sex feels great
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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