I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
