There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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