Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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