I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
