dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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