she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
