Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
