this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
