you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
