i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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