i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
We smell like vodka and hangover
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
