I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
