i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
