Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
