I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
