he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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