I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
