This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
