Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
When are your genitals available?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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