My underwear smells like fireworks.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
