hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
