Define "chronic" masturbator.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
