I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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