You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
They have beer where we have blood.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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