i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
When are your genitals available?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
