So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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