How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Randomize
