haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
