i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i love accidental penises.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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