The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
