I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
