You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
