Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
