Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
she pinky promised me she was 18
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
