he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
