is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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