I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize