Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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