4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
