i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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