Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
