she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
