No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
