you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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