I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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