the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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