i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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