Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
