K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize