I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize